Why Do Narcissist Hurt People?

Ahem... I love "our" children Anne, and I care more for my son and your adopted daughter than you realize.

RAW TRANSCRIPT, I WILL TRY TO EDIT IT OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS:

One of the things with understanding someone who is narcissistic and the reason why they are vindictive, why they want to punish you, why they say these hurtful things, why they do these hurtful things, why they cut you at your knees, is because you have to understand your audience. So I always say, "Don't try getting water from a rock." My aunt used to always say that to me time and time again when I was going through my journey and dealing with certain people that I've... believe we're definitely on the spectrum, and what it basically means is, you know, know your audience, like understand the person that you're dealing with and what they're capable of giving, and this is true for anyone, not just someone who's narcissistic, but someone who does have traits of someone with NPD or someone who full blown has NPD. One of the things that we really have to accept is you're facing someone who you presume is an adult, right? You are in an adult body. So I'm going to presume that you're healthy You know how to handle yourself and you're not Wounded in any way, right? We don't see people's wounds There's not a post-it on all of our foreheads that says I have abandonment mood I'm a narcissist because my mom did this to me and blah blah blah so we don't see any of this all we see are behaviors so understanding behaviors is really important to not take things personally not react to keep yourself intact to create the bubble like I always say because What other people are going through even if it is someone that you really love and care about? care of yourself first really the main thing with this is understanding that the person you're dealing with is someone who is emotionally mature I mean that's very simple but you have to understand that every time you are interacting with this person it doesn't matter if it's a spouse a partner an ex husband an ex-wife a previous girlfriend our co-worker it doesn't matter you are Dealing with a child you are dealing with an emotionally immature person you are dealing with someone who never learned how to self-soothe You're dealing with someone who does not know who they are they don't have a sense of self You are dealing with someone that does not know how to fill them up inside now There can be people out there walking around That are not Someone who is has narcissistic personality disorder not someone who's narcissistic and at times they cannot do these things as well We don't know how to self-soothe.. We don't have our own sense of self and we definitely at times don't know how to fill ourselves up and that's why People become codependent. That's why we project That's why we want you to make me happy in this relationship because I don't know how to do it for myself just someone who's narcissistic that can have these types of wounds inside of them, there can also be a lot of other people that have them too, but really the narcissist, tried and true, will never know how to soothe themselves, will never know how to take responsibility or accountability for the actions, they will not know how to fill themselves up, they do not know who they are, so they're constantly playing a character, so I think that that is really important to understand. Understand and accept before you go into an interaction with this person now because this person is so damaged I mean really they're mentally ill they have a personality disorder So because there are so many emotional wounds going on inside of this person that they will never be able to acknowledge touch heal talk about anything like that because of this and because they don't know how to fill themselves up inside they Constantly are needing what we've all heard of is narcissistic supply if I need narcissistic supply that I need someone to Validate me. I need someone to give me praise. I need someone to give me attention. I need someone to love me I need someone to constantly look at me the way I I want you to look at me, which is perfect. You can't ever tell me I'm wrong. I can't ever have any flaws. I can't ever do anything wrong, because my ego is really running the show at this point, and the minute that ego gets bruised, you will immediately get defensive. You will project. You will not want to take responsibility and accountability, and we all have egos, and we've all done that. this before now think of the times where you've done this where your ego kind of took over and You didn't like what someone had to say because they weren't saying what you wanted them to say and you got really defensive and you got Angry and and you started saying something that later on you really regret it. This is no different except you have a Self-awareness to know okay. I got really offended by that my ego totally took over right there and I said something I shouldn't have and I probably cut her at her knees and I feel really bad and you have shame you have guilt for what you did you're dealing with a person that it does all of those things their ego takes over just like yours did except there's no shame there's no guilt because in order to have shame and guilt you have to be connected to yourself In some way you have to be connected to that good part of yourself that says hey, that wasn't nice Hey, that wasn't right and you have to be able to soothe Yourself while you are feeling guilt or while you are feeling shame you have to be able to tell yourself look I made mistake I did something wrong. I'm not a terrible person. So I have to just own it and go over there and apologize So you have the capability to do that. You're dealing with a child that doesn't know how to do that. Their ego will never allow them to do that. So because you're dealing with someone who is so severely wounded, damaged, and insecure, they are constantly needing to feel a high. They constantly have to feel and get that validation. That narcissistic supply that love that praise that whatever from anything or anyone outside of themselves Because like I said, they can't do it for themselves Now when they're not getting it when they're not getting their way when they're not able to manipulate you when they're not able to control You when you basically are seeing past all the BS that they're giving you and you're seeing exactly what's going on, they don't like that. 'Cause like I said, that ego is 100% taking over at that point and it's ready to become vindictive. It wants to hurt you for hurting me. So don't tell me that I did something wrong. Don't hold me accountable. Don't show me a side of myself that I don't wanna see, acknowledge, change. Anything all I need you to do is tell me exactly what I want to hear which is I'm perfect Which is I did everything right, which is I'm a good person Everything whatever that is that that person needs to hear and you might meet some Narcissist that will claim to have some type of self-awareness I 100% have been around that type of a person where they claim to be so self-aware Where they can acknowledge some things, but really what they're doing is, it's just a hook, it's just a ploy. Because at the end of the day, there is no real sorrow or validation on your part for how you're feeling and what you're going through. It's all about what they're going through. So remember, just like when you're dealing with a child, when you're dealing with a toddler or a young child. Or even a teenager and you say something that they don't want to hear they don't want to hear that They have to do their homework They don't want to hear that it's time to eat dinner and they can't play or do whatever it is that they want to do They don't want to hear any of that stuff, and what do they do? They begin lashing out They might run to their room. They might slam the door and they might say I hate you mom I need you dad like you're stupid or whatever the case is. This is literally No different you're seeing the same behavior just in an adult form the problem becomes How deeply you I don't want to say how deeply you hurt them But how deeply you are not willing to put up with them So I always say the people that struggle with this the most the people that are like why is this person hurting me so much? Why are they saying these things and? and they're feeling so defeated by what it is that they're going through with this person, I always tell people, as tough as it is, and I have been there with someone who is very, very vindictive and abusive and manipulative, and it was a tough situation, but at the end of the day, I always knew in the back of my mind that I was a person that this person was actually Intimidated by they were intimidated by you they are intimidated by you And that's why they want to hurt you because you are not weak enough to give them what they want you see past all of the manipulation all of the control all of these tactics that they've done time and time again you've Awoken now you're not giving them what they want and so here comes the punishment, basically. It's no different. It's just like a child. For as much as I can feel good that to know that someone is doing this because they're hurting inside, because they're insecure, because they weren't able to break me, there is a level, because you are human as well, that is going to get exhausted, defeated, sad that you're in this situation and you have to go through this experience with this person and deal with this. Stuff time and time again. It is definitely emotionally draining because you are their emotional punching bag You are the thing that they're gonna go to When quite frankly they get bored sometimes Right when they get bored or when they're not getting their way from you or perhaps not getting their way with someone else and they just Want to take it out on you like you are that person right now perhaps in this narcissistic This life and so the only way to get them to leave you alone The only way to really change this is to change yourself. So how do we begin changing the situation? So this person doesn't hurt you anymore The biggest thing is learning and accepting exactly what I just said when you really really accept this stuff and you know Okay, I'm about to have an interaction with this person and they could very well be a lovely person today and then tomorrow they could be a maniac and be very manipulative or controlling or say something to cut me at my knees. So you have to very much walk on eggshells when you are around this type of person. You have to understand the person that you're dealing with. You have to understand the mentality. You have to never, never, never take anything that they're doing personally because it is not about you. Someone who is throwing a temper tantrum essentially and you have to learn how to hold on to yourself So as much as your ego wants to start taking over and tell this person who they are and what they're doing and get Emotionally entangled in that mess as well and have that person affect your vibration and your energy. It is your responsibility as a mature person that's learning about how to can take take control of their life how to hold on to themselves right learning how to respond not react and learning when to disengage from someone learning how to Verbally communicate with someone else in a calm way learning how to stand up for yourself I always say, at least for me, I always looked at it like the difficult people that have been in my life that really tested me mentally, emotionally, maybe even spiritually, right? That really forced me to grow up, that really forced me to take responsibility for my own self and how I responded to situations, to themselves. Whatever. I thank those people. Those people, the people that hurt me the most have always been the greatest teachers. The people that have been great friends, while it's an amazing gift, and I'm so very blessed to have them and thankful for them, they have been pushed me out of my comfort zone to really change who I was to become who I am, and so for that, I will forever be grateful for the people that have hurt me the most. So, like I always say, when you have those negative thoughts and you're recognizing, okay, here comes a negative story, here's my test on how I'm gonna stand up for myself, how I'm gonna soothe myself, how am I gonna validate myself, your test also is going to be with the people to hurt you the most. So don't get offended by what someone's doing. Learn how to hold on to yourself. Learn how to react and not respond, and it is a practice, but welcome, like I always say, welcome the pain. Welcome these uncomfortable situations that you have to be in from time to time because they are pushing you to be the person that you were meant to be. To grow and to really stretch yourself.